Q: WHAT'S
the difference between outlaws and inlaws
A. outlaws are wanted!
------------------------------
What do
you call 100 nuns in a shop? Virgin Megastore.
-----------------------------
Subject: Mouse Balls
Mouse Balls and mouse Ball inspector I don't know how they wrote
this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM
to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field
engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of
this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor!
Especially note the last couple of sentences........
"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform
erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now
available as FRU(Field Replacement Units). Because of the
delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by
examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be
larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures
differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign
balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls
are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not
usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result
in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the
mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer
missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge
of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in
mind that a customer without properly working balls is an
unhappy customer.
----------------------------------------
A priest getting ready to hear confessions suddenly realized
that he desparately had to go to the bathroom. He looked outside
the confessional and saw the janitor walking by. He pulled him
aside and said: "Look, I really gotta go to the bathroom,
but people are lining up for confession. Could you take over for
a few minutes?" The janitor began to protest, but the
priest said: "Look, its easy. I hear the sins and give them
penance. No one will know it's you in there" The janitor
agreed and took his place in the confessional.
The first parishioner entered the confessional and began
"Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have commited
adultery." The janitor looked on the chart and found
"Adultery - 20 Hail Marys". He mumbled some
forgiveness sounding words and told the parishioner to say 20
Hail Marys. The parishioner thanked him and left. The janitor
breathed a sign of relief.
The second parishioner entered the confessional and began
"Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord's
name in vain." The janitor looked down the list
"Lord's name in vain - 5 Hail Marys", and assigned
them. The janitor thought "Hey, I can do this. I just might
get away with it!"
The third parishioner entered and began, "Bless me father,
for I have sinned. I have engaged in anal sex." The janitor
consulted his chart, but could find neither "anal Sex"
nor "Sex, anal". He began to get worried. He looked
out of the confessional and spied an altar boy walking by. He
motioned the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said "Tell me
something kid, what does the priest give for anal sex?".
The altar boy looked him quizzically and said, "Well, two
mars bars and a glass of milk."
----------------------------------------
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend
Paul slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful
girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection
every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally
plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going
out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul,
"but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some
duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t
show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang
her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you
ever saw."
"
And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
---------------------------------------
A Japanese company ( Toyota) and an American company (Ford Motor
Company) decided to have a canoe race. Both teams practiced long
and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to
investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management
team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and
recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1
person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering
and 1 person rowing. So American management hired a consulting
company and paid them a large amount of money for a second
opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while
not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the
Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally
reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering
superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give
the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program",
with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was
discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment,
extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor
performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the
paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as
bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to
India.
---------------------------------
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period
for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a
pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the
pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later
a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an
Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl
and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family
situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest
of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank
account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
£4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory
and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to
do. What do you suggest?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places
a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You
shag her again."
------------------------------------------
I was a very happy person.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me .. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend
down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant
view of her private parts.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near
anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come
over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I
arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and
desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before
I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was
in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild
fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment,
then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little
test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
--------------------------------------
Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and
Ed fell head over heels in love with her.
On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to
dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the
relationship.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed
said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so
if that's a problem,
you'd better say so now."
Dorothy responded, "If we're being honest with each other,
here goes..........I'm a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then
he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not
keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
------------------------------------
Nymphomaniacs Convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in,
he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon
realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate
would have
it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business
trip or
pleasure?"
>She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to
the Annual
>Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I
have learned from my
personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are
there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that
African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the
Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another
popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually
it is
men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered
that the
lover with absolutely the best
stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing
all of
this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my
friends call me Bubba."
--------------------------------------------------
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is
tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully
munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again
and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks
her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she
replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."
------------------------------------------
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a
computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In
order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were
asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only
one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant
and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to
give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine
questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers,
but on the question you missed," said the department
manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than
the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow
applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down,
'Neither do I.'''
-----------------------------------------
Aid
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